A friend of mine has been complaining to me that I sabotaged my ideological believes in my marriage.
I believe there is a large sense of truth in his point , but he is wrong in understanding me too.
I am writing this because the person who has been saying it is very close to me and has hurt me badly.
I was a staunch communist supporter in my school days , virtually I have campaigned for Left politics in India .
I have been an atheist , I took myself the duty of criticizing religious beliefs , the belief in God. It was part of the family tradition to be atheist and also my age which gave me a romantic inclination towards being rebellious.
But My inherent nature which I have identified in me is I am not satisfied. As I was proclaiming the greatness of Left politics , I was also constantly searching for my roots over the years . I continuously debate from what I read and also my inherent understanding of society from the reality. I for my last four years have shed many of my beliefs , I don’t believe in them , rather my understandings on fundamental questions have changed.
I have been fascinated by religious belief from my childhood days . I am still fascinated by God, religion and the contribution of it towards the society. In earlier days I as naive marxist as time and again thought that Religion is a prima facie invention to fool people. It was invented to exploit people especially the poor. I was at the very same time confidently proclaiming this to others, yet uncomfortable with its naiveness.
Today my understanding of religion is broad based , recent research in sociology and human neurology is revealing that the idea of God is something in our Genes.
I have been reading the school of thoughts in Hinduism , its various schools . I am very much attracted to the Vedanta school of Hindu religion . It feels very modern(accepted for 21st century man) in the sense compared to other religious schools . My ideas are still formative.
I don’t accept the separation of human beings on the base of caste. I accept the equality of all human beings before God.There is no place of caste in today’s world . During my young age I believed that caste is the handy conspiracy of few malicious bhramins.I strongly hated bhraminical ritualism and even found conspiracy to malign the lower caste in all the religious scriptures including the vedas and Bhagavat Gita.
As of now as per my reading of Kosambi , Jeyamohan and feudal history of other nations I feel caste is an integral part of any Feudal society . Thus a system so elaborate in its structure cannot be the handy work of bhramins . I also have been reading the hindu scriptures , the separation of the Shruthis and Smruthis in hindu religious scriptures . This has clarified some of my stupid beliefs.
Marx , Gandhi :
There exists in all thinking Indians , Marx and Gandhi constantly fighting to gain supremacy . I am no different to it. Gandhi has had a considerable impact in me in the last three years .
I have considerably moved away from the Marxist tradition , I am highly critical of the Left parties in their jaundiced Marxist view of Indian history.I owe this largely to brilliant historians like Bipan Chandra. I also owe my gratitude to Jeyamohan who has become one of my mentors of late . In my hearts Gandhi has become more and more significant these days.
Marx’s class war and the implicit usage of violence to achieve social emancipation has failed all over the world . Marx’s utopia assumes a world of surplus to redistribute , which seems more and more far fetched . But I will always get inspired by Marx’s call of equality of human beings .
Ceremonies , Weddings :
I was totally against any ceremonies for a long time . I am still not in favor of lavishness . But off late my understanding of religious ceremonies have changed . My reading of the workings of subconscious , I am getting wholesome view of the mental significance of ceremonies . Even political parties who are against religious ceremonies develop their own political ceremonies . Say for example
Left parties doing the red salute , DK cadres wearing black clothes etc . So I accept peoples importance of faith and ceremony more emphatically . I have been studying so many religious scriptures like azhwar pasurams , Its my present understanding that religion is a way of knowing the world in its own way . Coming to my marriage , I suggested having a political marriage my grandfather heading it , who is a CPI(M) politburo member . But Udhaya’s father was against it . I now feel that it was good that the marriage was religious because I felt it was like the whole creative force behind the universe was enacted in the marriage . It had a strong impact on me , I personally liked it . I was very wrong in being against the religious marriages .
Spending Lavishness Marriage
I was personally against wasting lavishly in gold or something like music band . I did my best to reduce it. As a matter of fact Udhaya’s father complained to her that I am saying ‘no’ to everything. My maneuverability and ability to hurt someone is very limited that is what I feel about myself . I tried best to do the things the way I believed, I still have to bite the bullet and accept certain things.
So these ideas are constantly growing in me . I just can hope that people accept my sincerity and believe that my misgiving are mainly due to faulty understanding and not willful falsification . I am man with so many limitations , and trying to a better person .